Top 5 signs that a Tata Safari is owned by a Punjabi

The average Punjabi man sincerely believes that the gift of feet has been bestowed upon him for one purpose & one purpose alone, one foot for the accelerator & the other for the clutch pedal (I’d rather break before I Brake - old Punjabi saying). The obvious assumption made here is that real men drive a manual transmission and the physical act of shifting-up a gear is, in its crudest form, a testosterone shot.

It is of considerable importance to a Punjabi like me then, that the 3 Gs - Ghar (House), Gaddi (Car) & Goggad (Sagging love handles) follow the global adage (which definitely originated somewhere on the hallowed banks of the Sutlej) Bigger is Better. And it doesn’t get any bigger than the majestic Tata Safari. (You can disagree, but I’d just tell you to be a good Navigator, find your way to your Denali & leave before this situation Escalades, you filthy Hummer).

As the only one of the 3 Gs that a man truly has any control over, the Gaddi gets a considerable amount of attention & pampering - and is soon adorned with aesthetic additions that betray its Punjabi owner’s intricacies. Unsurprisingly, these additions tend to be exactly the same across every Punjab registered SUV. As a result, to my untrained eye, every oncoming Safari executing a nearly flawless attempt to run me over (also called ‘overtaking’) looks identical to the one owned by the Grand-Theft-Punjab influenced lunatic before it. What do I see then?

1. Hankook de tire

Photo credits: Google baba. Contact us to claim your lost child. Better be nice though!

Not Goodyear, not frigging Bridgestone & definitely not Pirelli that those idiots over at Formula One seem to trust. Why Hankook, no one really knows but as long as they protrude from under the wheel arches and take up 1.73 parking spots, we’re golden. That they make the vehicle look like a bullfrog hopped up on steroids notwithstanding - ‘Kaka, tire tah Handcook de hi laggan gey'.

2. Hella diya battiyaan

Photo credits: Google baba. Contact us to claim your lost child. Better be nice though!

If there was ever a case to be made for the power of light to physically move objects, then that case would be made a bazzilion times a day on the Grand Trunk Road. The only thing that is probably as satisfying as a wet-sneeze that clears your sinuses, is blinding the living daylights out of an oncoming vehicle with your extra-powerful halogen lamps and forcing it to meekly surrender to the side of the road. And true to their brand, the lightaan do a Hellava good job of robbing the other guy of his eyesight.

In hindsight, since this usually results in you successfully overtaking that painfully slow tractor-traaley that had been holding you up for 4 seconds, one wonders if Nico Rosberg should have employed a similar tactic to win the damn championship.

3. Flashy Rims

Photo credits: Google baba. Contact us to claim your lost child. Better be nice though!

If you thought you’d regain some sense of visibility after the initial headlight-blinding, blink again. We love blingy Juttis, Rimember? So there’s no reason the Gaddi should put up with stock rims. For there is nothing that the Punjabi gentleman despises more than the rims that the good folks over at Tata Motors provide with the best-car-ever. So what do we do? Spend almost as much as was spent on the car on a set of 5 (hideous) chrome aftermarket alloy rims. Why Chrome? Because one can never run out of enough reflective surfaces to check what’s happening in the Muchhaan department.

4. Surround sound - to pound you to the ground

Photo credits: Google baba. Contact us to claim your lost child. Better be nice though!

What’s the point of listening to music if you’re not bursting a couple of eardrums while you’re at it? My brethren took personal offense to the fact that most individuals on Punjabi roads had to put up with incessant honking on the streets (we’re a Horn.y race), and proceeded to promptly install the loudest sound systems in the boots of their SUVs. JBL hove ja Sony XPlod, aun de. The song ’Amplifier’ did more to ruin the collective hearing of the people of Punjab than the bambi waali motor. Fact.

5. Swag decals

Photo credits: Google baba. Contact us to claim your lost child. Better be nice though!

No SUV pimp-up is complete without a one sentence proclamation by the owner. The sentence ranges from a single word meant to convey some sort of authority ( ‘Sarpanch’, ‘Chaudhry’ - loosely translated as “Since I’m the headman of my village - which is 738 km away from here in a separate district altogether, move out of my way on this public road you commoner scum… and bow before me.”) to a generic sports team crest (Who the hell said the Oakland Raiders have no presence outside of the States? Have you been on a road in Punjab lately?) to basically declaring to all & sundry who the real daddy is - “Tinku di gaddi”.

Baba BlackSheep

Baba BlackSheep

A charlatan of the highest order,Baba wears all sorts of religions claims of a godly man up on his sleeve. His love for geri and scotch on rocks barely exceeds his constant need to feed his ego. He dreams of one day owning a dera/temple/gurudwara/mosque/church, and has started a website to recruit followers of his cult.

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